"The partner that you get reflects your true level of self love and self respect"

When we visited Australia in November our friends recommended Sami Lukis podcast Romantically challenged. I have been listening to audio books and podcasts for a while now and I absolutely love Lukis humorous and gentle way on touching on some very important subjects.

This morning I was walking the dog and I could not help but write down the conversation that Lukis was having with Therapist Katie Eden Todd. It really resonated with me so I wanted to share these wise words with you. In the podcast Todd talks about the difference of a soulmate and cellmate and how we sometimes no longer grow in relationships and get stuck stagnant. She says that it is not about love. That we often say that we love someone, but it is deeper than that: 'I need someone.'

Todd thinks that everyone has an inner child inside (that is emotionally under 5 years of age) and the cellmate relationship is when a child is doing the choosing and making the automatic pilot decision, which are fear based and not a good idea. A soulmate is when we are actually genuinely compatible, and we have got some adult relationship skills and some emotional maturity. A lot of what happens in relationships is power struggles having the same old battles and the same old conversations but it is two children trying to see who can win.

Todd has learned over the years that the soulmates still have issues come up but it is the way they handle it. They have the excruciating conversations. And they work their way through it without attacking the other person. A soulmate owns their stuff. They own their shadows and they own where they mess up. Whereas a cellmate is going to say: 'no, that is not me, it is you.' There is a lot of blame and a lot of attacking and reactivity and we are not discussing that. There is a lot of do not discuss topics in cellmate relationships where you know if you bring it up the partner is going to go off their tree. So you don't talk about it and these walls get built between us.

In the podcast Lukis and Todd discuss that a healthy and wonderful relationship is not only about how well you get along but how well you don't get along. "How do you navigate the conflicts that come up where you are pulling in different directions. How do you respect each other and allow each other to grow and be the best person they can be, the biggest version of themselves. How do you support each other and stay true to yourself. There are real skills needed here. We don't learn emotional intelligence and that is what is missing so you have the same old arguments and attack. You might say you love someone but actually you need them. You can loose respect very early on in a relationship which to Todd is deadly."

Lukis asks Todd what the signs of being in a toxic cell mate relationship are and they agree that other than fighting everyday you also feel disrespected. "It is very hard work and you are shutting down more and more of yourself. You feel like you cant be too happy, too joyful, too excited, too whatever. We have very complex personalities and what we do in an unhappy relationship is that we start to close it down. You stop sharing things and stop having the intimacy. You are not even friends and you have these familiar battle grounds where u keep hitting those same brick walls. The child in both of us is trying to change the other one to suit what I want: 'I want you to be like this and think like this'. We don't know what is going on and we don't see it that clearly. I think when you can see it, you can make a better choice about what is right for me. We talk about cellmate and soulmate relationships but I think it starts with our relationship with ourselves. So I think if the child is running our lives inside we can be in a jail cell in ourselves where we are not giving ourselves the life that we want. We are sort of hoping that this magical partner is going to give to us open doors and give us permission to live our full lives. A lot of people don't know how to step up and create the life that they really want. How to be really honest with themselves, how to be proactive and be a good parent for themselves. So, if we are a child basically, we are going to have a child cellmate partner. If we are a soulmate with ourselves, in other words we have learnt how to parent ourselves and to really honour the unique person that we are. Then you attract someone who is also honouring who you are."

I think Sammy, this is really interesting. I think, that the partner that you get reflects your true level of self love and self respect."

You can listen to the podcast Choosing a Soulmate instead of a Cellmate here. 

Ps. the pictures really have nothing to do with this story. We just had such a fun walk this evening with our dog Jack and our neighbours and the light was magical so we were playing around in the sun down by the sea.